So, the original call I got described the party as Ashanti's Bday, Detail's Bday ("Huge producer") and Akon's Platinum Plaque ceremony which was all supposed to be a Rolling Stone red carpet event...
Promoter, "Yo, kid, you're gonna get all kinds of press! You're gonna be in Rolling Stone!"
I normally rotate Mondays with an old friend, DJ EQ, but since it was such a "huge" event, they booked us both. The day of the party, I'm told we are gonna split the dj budget between us, which honestly, isn't really enough to begin with. I tell the promoter that he should just use her, as it's not really worth it for me to do it for half the money. He says, "Well, I'll give you what you usually get, but only if you keep it a secret from her and I'll throw her a couple hundred bucks."
"Well, buddy, honestly, I'm kinda on her side, as a dj, and think you should pay her what she deserves, what is this, fucking high school? Secrets and shit? Should you pass her a note telling her what she's getting? Gonna pay me in the quad? Either pay her what I'm getting or we both don't show up."
I already don't wanna go.
I arrive at 10:15 and there are three guys on he "red carpet" with Affliction shirts on.
I walk in, say hello to DJ EQ, and head to the bar for a Red Bull. The guy next to me keeps bumping me, so i turn to see who this guy is. He (Affliction jacket) turns to me and says, "You got a problem?"
"No problem, I was just looking to see who was bumping into me, thought maybe it was someone I knew..."
"Well, I'll be honest with you, I've killed two people in my life and I don't like when people look at me, especially white people, so if you don't wanna be killed, you should walk away now. Walk away. Walk away."
Now, I think to myself, before replying:
A. He's 23 and wearing Affliction.
B. He's never killed anyone, killers don't advertise these facts at Hollywood night clubs.
C. I, being mortal, don't really wanna die, just in case killers really do advertise in Hollywood night clubs.
D. My friend, the head of security is standing next to me, getting our Red Bulls, and he's packing.
E. I play out the conversation I would've liked to have in my head : "Well, my friend, I've killed 3 people... Blah, blah, blah...."
Fortunately, my friend who overheard this conversation, opens his coat to reveal his badge and gun to the guy and replies, "Walk Away!!!"
I'm so Boyz in the Hood.
Later on, after I've been on the tables for an hour, the guy comes up and says, "I'm sorry buddy, I didn't realize you were the DJ, YO, YOU'RE KILLING IT!"
Yeah, that's right, who's the killer now?!!!
I guess I should walk around from now on with a sign around my neck that says, "I'm not just a white guy in an urban club, I WORK HERE!"
Detail, one of Akon's producers, walks by with white paint on his face, like he's going hunting, and says, "Yo, I'm Detail, this is my party!"
"Yo, I guess you can cry if you want to... cry if you want to... cry if you want to..."
I want to.
A guy comes in the booth and goes on and on about how he's one of the biggest DJs in LA and how I should give him the mic so he can start getting the party all hype and shit... I ask what his DJ name is, he replies, "DJ POPPERS"
Never heard of him.
He grabs the mic and tries to turn it on.
The sound guy grabs it back.
He pulls some flyer out of his pocket for some Halloween party he says he's spinning at (his name wasn't on it) and figures this will get him the mic.
He say's, "All good, I'm paid and shit, I don't need to rock this party anyways, I'm gonna go pop Champagne with some honeys. I'll send you guys over a bottle, that's how I roll."
Cut to the end of the night :
He's in handcuffs for ordering 3 bottles of Champagne and not paying.
DJ POPPERS CALL THE COPPERS.
A drunk girl in a magenta wig comes up to the booth and says, "It's my birthday and all I want for my birthday this year is to hook up with a white boy, what's up?"
"I think I see one over there, if you hurry, you can catch him... I'm a white man, baby, sorry..."
I bumped into a bunch of old school heads throughout the night who all basically said the same thing, "Music today sucks, going to these clubs now sucks, these people suck, why am I here?"
My sentiments exactly.
See you Thursday at AFEX.
Cuba Gooding JR requested "Mo Money Mo Problems"
Show me the Biggie.
Ashanti was there with Brandy and her brother, Ray J. He comes over to me and asks if I have his new song, as he wants to sing it for Ashanti for her birthday, I reply "Yes, but not the instrumental, so you'd be singing over yourself."
"I'm not really gonna sing it anyways, so all good!"
Don Cornelius is happy.
Detail gets on the mic and starts yelling, distorting the sound, almost blowing the speakers, "Yo, this my party! We doin' big things! If you don't know what we doin' in 2009, you ain't doin shit!"
Apparently, I ain't doin' shit.
A girl gives me a dollar to play T.I.
I hand it back.
The guy doing the lights laughs.
People start requesting top 40, as I knew they would, ultimately, as I had been playing music I like all night, pre-death of hip hop music, which was actually working. Shocker. DJ EQ is standing next to me, so I ask her if she wants to get back on for a minute, hoping she's play some of the stuff they want to hear, which I really, really, REALLY don't want to play. She looks at me for a second... We both start laughing. Good times.
Akon was not there, although they announced he was all night.
Rolling Stone was not there, although they announced they we're all night.
I appeared to be there, when in fact, I was not. I was in my happy place.
One of the promoters asked me to play something with lots of energy, like "Whatever You Like" by T.I.
Anybody ever heard that song?
Why not just play Portishead.
Someone asked for MGMT, "Electric Feel (Justice Remix), which I thought was pretty bold, but i respected. I thought, "Fuck it!", let's see what happens, I'm bored anyways. The dance floor cleared. Although the one "alternative" black guy with a mohawk liked it. He told me so. :)
I asked the promoter who likes secrets for a Red Bull and a water.
He told me he'd be right back with them.
He never came back.
He really loves secrets.
The bathroom attendant gave me a free Jolly Rancher candy.
A girl asked me to play some hip hop.
I replied, "What is hip hop to you?"
"You know, Lil' Wayne, T.I., T Pain..."
"And, you like this stuff?"
"Yes, I love it, don't you love hip hop?"
"Well, sweetheart, I love hip hop, I'm a hip hop head, I will always love it, but at this point in time, my relationship has changed, I used to be magnetized by it, it drew me in, now, it repels me, makes me want to shake the whole culture and yell, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"Does this mean you're not going to play T.I.?"
They told everyone there was going to be a secret performance. I was handed a cd to play and waited for the signal. People were trying to figure out who it was gonna be. "Akon?", "Ashanti?", "She Wants Revenge?"
The signal to put the cd on came so I hit play...
A new Snoop beat came on and everybody freaked!
"Oh Shit!!! SNOOP!!!!!"
After about 10 seconds, the beat stopped and some random beat came on.
Some random dude in sunglasses nobody knew started rapping.
Way to completely turn everyone against you : Trick everyone, then suck.
A girl requested "Like Whoa".
I was honestly like whoa.
I liked her.
Urban clubs still like to announce who's there on the mic, although 75% of the time, they're not really there.
"Jay-Z is in the building!"
"Oh shit! Kanye, what up!"
I wanna get on the mic at an "indie" club and do the same thing.
"Yo! what up Bono!"
"Oh shit! Trent, get over here and pop this bottle with me!"
A girl with a weave lost a fight.
Busta wanted to hear Busta.
2 girls cam in the booth to smoke a blunt and asked me if i wanted to hit it, I declined.
They hit the blunt a few times and asked me if i wanted to hit it again.
I declined again, stating I don't smoke weed.
"Did you know that marijuana's damage to short-term memory occurs because THC alters the way in which information is processed by the hippocampus, a brain area responsible for memory formation. As people age, they normally lose neurons in the hippocampus, which decreases their ability to remember events. Chronic THC exposure may hasten the age-related loss of hippocampal neurons."
"Yo, you wanna hit this?"
By the time I got outside, all the cabs were gone. I waited fifteen minutes and a cab finally pulled up, I jumped in. The driver, a large Russian man blasting Arabic music informed me that his rates were a little higher and asked if that was ok with me. I was so over the night at that point, I agreed, just wanting to be in my bed.
Ride to the party : $15
Ride Home : $45
Red Bulls : 2
Bottles of water : 2
Shots of Patron : 0
Death threats : 1
Trips to my happy place : 9
Amount in tips : $1
Akons : 0
Amazing performances : 0
Spinderellas : 1
Drink tickets : 0
Times I looked at my watch : 100
Ex-girlfriends that used to be on Girlfriends so now they were ex-girlfrinds squared : 1
Promoters with secrets : 1
Weaves : 15
Grape Jolly Ranchers : 2 ( went back for another )
Times T.I. was requested : 15
Times T.I. was played : 1 ( had too, ugh )
Times I turned the mic off and on in the middle of the performance for fun : 6
Apples I ate :1
Blunts I hit : 0
Da Brats : 1
People I know that I should've invited : 0
Girls with high heels on that were too big : 19
Girls in need of fills, desperately : 23 ( fingers and toes, girls, fingers and toes... )
Times I vowed to never do a party like that again : 1
Times i weeped for the future : 6
Times i wished it was Thursday everyday : infinite