Sunday, July 13, 2008

Recap : Opening Night at Kress (On the Rooftop)

Huge neon "Kress" sign on the roof, bad start...

I rode up the elevator to the roof and the girl who's job it was to operate the elevator asked me why I thought it was so hot in there, I replied, "You're in a fucking elevator..."

I could see Opera from the roof and imagined how many douche bags would be in that shit hole on a Friday night...

The dj booth had no monitor for the first 2 hours.

One of the owners came over to me to talk about the venue, music and the sushi downstairs in the restaurant. I asked him how the sushi is, he said, "Amazing!!! You have to try it!!!", so I asked him if I could get a sampler plate, he said he'd be right back with it.

Never saw him again.

One of the promoters came over to let me know he'd make sure a waitress would be taking care of me all night and how there would be, "...a steady flow of patron."

A waitress never came.

Another promoter gave me 4 drink tickets.
They were for well drinks only.
I gave them to the same dudes that ask me if I have any drink tickets at every party I spin at.

The vibe for the roof was supposed to be "sexy", as it's more of a place to lounge, as opposed to the club downstairs (Kress has 4 levels). We will get to the requests soon...

The first guy I met was around 60 years old, from South America and sitting in the booth next to me, surrounded by pretty girls... "Hey, you are good dj, I have party at my house tomorrow night after Playboy Mansion, you come dj my party?"
"Well, what kind of budget are we talking about here?"
"Hey, my friend, look around... I get you in room with party people and beautiful women... Coke and drinks everywhere... You just bring the equipment and the music, it will be good times my friend..."
"Sounds good, give me your number and... oh, shit, I forgot, I have to work tomorrow night, wow, so sorry... Maybe next time?"

Coke.Girls.Drinks. ≠ Lugging equipment to some dudes house to dj all night for free.

Justin Timberlake asked for Michael Jackson. Again. Shocker.
I asked him which song, hoping he would request a good one this time as he usually requests the usual suspects, he asked for "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"
I played "Heartbreak Hotel"
We were both happy.

Jessica Biel was with him.
She didn't request anything.
That was ok with me.

There were go-go dancers with blonde bob wigs, black Hot Topic platform shoes and a sense of entitlement. They asked if i could play some house music (which in their minds was really techno) so they could do their job and dance on either side of the dj booth.
"Of course, let's not worry about the vibe of the party or what anyone else wants, I should definitely be playing for the two of you, and honestly, within 20 minutes, it will just be the two of you... Here we go..."

Blonde girl with horrible shoes : "It's my friend's birthday, could you please play Lil Wayne? Pleeeeease?"
"Why?!! It's her birthday!!!"
"Thanks. asshole!"


I went to the bar to get a shot of Patron, I told the bartender i was the dj, she didn't care. $13.

The floor of the rooftop was covered in astroturf.
We have astroturf on the floor of the bathroom in our recording studio.
Do the math.

"No offense, but your music sucks."
I was playing Radiohead.
"Well, sweetheart, what would you like to hear?"
"I like old music, like from the sixties..."
"Well, give me an example, whatever you like..."
"I'm not sure what it's called, but it goes, "Well, no one told me about her..." You know that one?"
I put on The Zombies.
She danced.
We talked.
She brought me a shot of Patron.
I got her number.
Guess my music didn't suck after all.

I put on a long song to go to the restroom, and while in there, two girls came in, cut line and went into the stall to do some blow.
Security came in and escorted them out.
I went in the stall after them and found a small bottle on the floor of their coke.
Later, one of the girls walked by and i stopped her to give it back to her, "Excuse me, I have something for you..."
"Oh yeah, what? A ten inch cock?"
My friend who does blow had a very good time later last night.

A girl in overalls and a pimp hat asked, "Is this the type of music you're gonna play all night? I wanna get my freak on!"
"You already have, my dear..."

My friends came to hang for a minute.
They left after that minute was up.

Paris was not there.

A girl was taking her cigarettes out of her bag and a tampon fell out, I watched it fall out, and when a guy next to her told her she dropped something, she said it wasn't hers. He told her that it just fell out, still, she denied it was hers. Later she asked me to play a song for her, I suggested "Little Red Corvette"
She didn't get it.

1:03 am : A group of bridge and tunnel girls from the OC who somehow made it in the party do a round of brightly colored shots, no doubtedly called something with a funny name like "Mind Eraser" or "Red Headed Slut"

1:08 : They do another

1:20 : They do another

1:27 : One of them thinks to herself, "I'm here, I'm really here, this is it, I've finally made it, this is the kind of party I see every week on TMZ and here I am! Will I meet some celebrities? Will I go home with one? I would love to drink champagne and sit in a hot tub with some rich guy overlooking the city. Wow, I knew I would get here someday!"

9:12 am : She wakes up in her own bed with the worst hangover and an empty bag of Jack in the Box in her bed and thinks, "Why did I drink those shots? I didn't meet anyone interesting. That guy I gave my number to already texted me 6 times. I ate 4 tacos and 6 jalepeno poppers? That door guy was such a dick! Fuck Hollywood and their parties!"

Welcome to our world, honey, we feel your pain...

A girl asked for Akon.
A girl asked for Chingy.
A girl asked for Pitbull.
A girl asked for David Banner.
A girl asked for Gang Starr.

There were members of The Hills there. Shocker.

I'm starting a reality show of my own called, "No Requests"

A guy asked me for a cigarette. He was very drunk. He didn't say please, but i gave him one anyways. He didn't say thank you. He came back later and asked for another. He didn't say please. I gave him one anyways. Again. He didn't say thank you. He came up a third time and offered me half his vodka soda for another, I replied, "No, thank you, I honestly appreciate the meaningful gesture you have given forth unto me, but at this time, i will, unfortunately have to decline this act of obvious forethought and meaning and point you in the direction of someone else who will, most certainly, accept this amazing offer of half a watered down drink in exchange for a cigarette. Thanks again, and i bid you a good evening..."

I was also bumped at least 10 times throughout the night with no "Excuse me".
I weep for the future.

Chilled Patron shots : 4
Stellas : 2
Patron on the rocks : 1
Cigarettes : 12
Monitors in the dj booth for the first 2 hours : 0
Coke : Barrels
Cast members of The Hills : 3
Bad pairs of shoes : 13
Bad bags : 9
Balenciaga bags : 1
Times "Lollipop" was requested : 5
Times "Lollipop" was played : 0
Times I got caught by JT staring at his girl : 1
Times I cared : 0
Facebook mobile photo uploads : 1
Door guys that don't suck : 1
Girls whose digits I got : 1
Times Esthero came up to me and sang the Esthero song I was playing in my ear : 1
Times I went to my happy place : 5
Guys from Proper Grounds that spoke of the good old days : 1
Guys who knew who DJ Alphabet was : 1
Sushi : 0
Flirts : 7
Times I played "I Love You (Remix)" by Mary J Blige : 1
Blonde girls with bdays : 3
Blonde girls with bdays that heard their request : 1
Persian friends of the owners : 53
Cash spent at the bar : $26
Memories that will last forever : infinite