Friday, January 25, 2008

Recap : Opening Party at Privet in Vegas

Current mood: Weeping
On my way home from Sundance, I got stuck overnight in Las Vegas, fortunately, my best friend Bree lives there and it wasn't as bad as it could've been...

The LV airport is my favorite place in the whole world...
So is Wal Mart in middle America on the day before Christmas...

Before I left the airport, I had to make it to a gate pretty far away from the gate i deplaned from to reschedule my flight. A woman who was about 70 years old cut in front of me in line and pretended to be deaf when I called her on it...
She could hear her name when she was called for her stand-by seat just fine...

I didn't have my luggage, it was in Burbank collecting dust and probably being rifled through by an underpaid complaint box, so I needed to get some shoes, considering I was going out and didn't like what shoes I had on, so I went to the Gucci store after we ate (it was right next to the restaurant) and got some new kicks...
I'm so Gucci...

We got to the club around 11 and I could tell from the people in line that it was gonna be the best night ever...
1. Dude with a 2 foot spiked mohawk
2. Every guy in Ed Hardy
3. Fake cans everywhere
4. Bad make up
5. Bad shoes
6. Bad bags
7. A Tranny

My recap could've been all about the line to get in...

We were seated at a table with my best friend Bree and her husband's (AC) friend who kinda run's the place...
We started sitting in the actual booth, but later moved up to the top part of the seat in the booth because apparently you're cooler the higher you sit... The coolest people stand on the top of the booth... More people can see you and you can do all your cool dance moves for them.

Jermaine Dupri was flown in from the ATL to DJ the opening night party.
We will get back to this soon...

A black guy in front of me (dressed in sparkly Ed Hardy from head to toe, huge fake cubic zirconium earrings) kept bumping me and not saying excuse me. Huge pet peeve. I didn't say anything, as he was friends with the dude who's booth we were sitting in. Later in the night when one of the many horrible songs came on, in which he knew all the words to, he put his arm around me and started bouncing up and down and singing to me, like I was gonna sing back to him. He was surely mistaken.

I sat down and stared at his clothes for a while and became very depressed. I suddenly imagined myself in a coffee shop, belting out a spoken word poem that started something like this, "Back in the day they stole your smile so you clothe your teeth in gold and your clothes in diamonds..."

I weep for the future.

"Yo, this is Jermaine Dupri, I'm in the building."
"Janet Jackson is in the building"
Was hoping the next line was, "Kriss Kross is in the building"
(Jump was played later on, btw.)

JD had a guy selecting every song for him and setting them up in Serato for him to play.
Mistake number 1.

Honestly, one of the worst set's of all time.

He played the new Mary J song, and followed it up with what he thought would be a good song to play for whitey, "Come As You Are" by Nirvana...
Mistake number 2.

This was followed up by a whole set of bad rock for whitey...

Bad mixing.
Bad song decisions.
Bad mp3s.
Bad digital noise.

Jermaine and I go way back, he used to jump on the turntables with me back in the day all the time...
I'm allowed to talk shit...

When the crowd was standing around bored and uninterested, they had the bright idea to stop the music and shoot "$2500" dollars into the crowd... It was more like $100. He didn't play "Make it Rain".
More bad music for a while, crowd less interested and starting to leave, he stopped the music again and shot out another "$2500" ($100). He didn't play "Make it Rain" again.

The tranny sat at our booth at one point.

When someone at a table orders a bottle over a certain amount of money, a waitress walks out of the back with it and it has a sparkler on top of it. They walk through the crowd with it to your table so everyone can see that you're spending your rent on a bottle of booze. I imagined snatching JD from the DJ booth, attaching a sparkler to his head and walking through the crowd with him on my shoulders, finally delivering him to his booth where Janet could blow it out. "Happy MLK day!"

The guy whose booth we were in let me know he knew Jermaine as well, I told him I taught him how to DJ, he replied, "You should've done a better job..."

The tranny was now on top of the booth dancing.
She was apparently one of the coolest people in the room.
She had tape on her balls.

Good times.

An asian guy dressed like a clown was having a dance battle with a drunk white guy.
Nobody won.

Mark the Spark rules.

A blonde girl with huge fake cans was dancing on the booth right behind me.
I saw her panties.
They weren't cute.

A waiter brought another bottle to our table, this time no sparkler, he asked the guy whose booth it was, "Do you really want me to light this?"
"Yeah man, light that motha fucka up!!!"
He was bummed he had to do it, but he did, nonetheless.
He stood there wishing he was anywhere else.
So did I.
(He was the coolest guy in the room.)

Jermaine played 20 seconds of "Planet Rock".
I was happy for 20 seconds.

Everyone tries to one up everyone else all night.
"I know so and so.."
"Oh yeah? Well, I know so and so..."
Watch me do the new dance moves.
Oh yeah? Watch ME do the new dance moves better.
I can drink 2 shots of Jager in a row.
Oh yeah? I can drink 3 shots of Jager in a row.
I have 4 pieces of Ed Hardy on.
Oh yeah? I have 5 pieces of Ed hardy on.
I have big fake cans.
Oh yeah? I have big fake cans AND a cock.
OK, you win.

A point came where we just couldn't stand the music anymore and had to leave.
Sorry Jermaine.

Vegas rules!

Vodka on the rocks : 5
Cigarettes : 12
Trannys : 8
Bad songs : All except 2
Janet Jacksons : 1
Money shot into the crowd : "$5000" ($200)
Guys who thought we were dancing partners : 1
Articles of Ed Hardy clothing : 374
Times I wished I was in bed : 22
Girls that noticed me in my all black outfit hiding under my hat in the corner : 0
Sparklers that came to our table : 5
Fake cans : 82 (pairs)
Times the guy bumped me without saying "Excuse me..." : 9
Bathroom attendants who tried to pressure me into giving them a tip : 1
Guys who were so Gucci : 1
People who I connected with on any level :3
High fives on the dance floor : 17
Weaves : 28
Mowhaks : 2
Guys who run the Palms nightlife who got sucker punched : 1
People I met and shook hands with : 16
People I met and shook hands with that didn't look me in the eye when we met : 15
Huge black guys who stepped on my foot and crushed it : 1

Vegas : Priceless


candy sanchez said...

hi good blog you have here its cool that you blog too its my blog its in spanish but i will love to have one mixtape from you good vibe from tijuana

AaronFlux said...

And now....I wanna go to Vegas!

Except, of course, I don't like people.

Honey Bunny said...

this is an awesome blog! very funny and sarcastic (just what i like).

i am kind of glad that i live in the Midwest and have no idea what/who Ed Hardy is. not saying that Midwesterners wouln't know, but THIS Midwestern girl has no clue.

hope to hear/see you in Minneapolis again soon. The MSP airport probably isn't as exciting as LV, but at least there's an infamous restroom you could check out :)

The Killer (That's Ms. Killer to you) said...

It's about time! I actually posted some of your shit on my site because it was way too funny not to share with everyone. Glad to have a site to visit regularly.

I will add a link to your blog on my page...cuz I lurv your style.


virtue said...

I like it. Not only can I suffer in my own skin, I can suffer vicariously through you via your blog.
The sardonic shenanigans you describe are exactly why I'm nestled contently at home with an angel of a tabby and a $12.99 bottle of white. xx

KillAllyKat said...

I woulda noticed u Adam. *pats u* I FREAKIN LOVE U! (excuse me)...


I would have noticed you dressed all in black hiding under your hat in the corner. ;)

Steve said...

I just want to hang out with Bree, even if you're not here. Vegas SEEEMS like the place to be, if you're from the midwest, but it's really difficult to find the people that aren't horrible criminals on their way to another state in their escape. Long story short, i want to buy Bree and her husband a crap meal from a crap bar, (like big dog's) and drink too much. With a million people bitching about the people here, some have to be the ones we're all looking for.

Bynar said...

What can I say Adam, your post is just hilarious! Ever though of writing a book? Your writing reminds me of a favourite book, "I Hate Myself And Want To Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You've Ever Heard". Check it out... Anyway, hope to see you in Greece at some point. I'll add a link to your blog on my page, if that's OK. Cheers!

victoria40dd said...

Dearest Adam;P
I'm so glad I can't afford designer duds, my cans are real and I don't lead the life of a rock star. The reality you bring to this blog is intense. You are a most excellent writer. "dressed in black, hiding under my hat"??? I would of noticed you intently.(giggles and winks) You are an original...
Your Goddessa and Druid Witch

Jordan said...

Vegas sucks. Its definitely the butthole of the USA.

INeed said...

I'm not sure what makes me feel more or less douchebaggish:
a) When the bottle arrives with a sparkler and fanfare to match an arriving pizza at a 12 year old's birthday at Chuck E Cheese or
b) Asking for "A bottle of goose no sparkler".

What I DO know is that there is no way I'm fighting through all of those people to get drinks at the bar. I'll take variant degrees of douchebaggary over a bar that resembles a 1985 Moscow breadline anyday.